Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Old Man, Look At My Life, I'm A Lot Like You Were

When Kim Jong-un made his public debut last year, he was prepared so that he would look just like his grandfather. He was overweight. He wore his hair slicked back. He clapped his hands at party meetings and received kowtowing generals older than his father with a casual gravitas North Koreans identified with his grandfather.

New York Times, December 20, 2011

  • In a highly staged event in April of last year, Kim Jong-un had an early dinner at the Down Home Cookin' Buffet in Pyongyang. Taking up two parking spaces with his Soviet era armored personnel carrier, he arrived accompanied by a cadre of generals wearing red hats. Kims' visit appeared timed to take advantage of the tail end of the lunch special and the beginning of the dinner special. Midway through the meal one general observed that Kim had made eight trips to the salad bar and was ordered drowned in a bowl of ambrosia. North Korean watchers speculated on the number of broasted chicken thighs Kim stashed in his fanny pack.
  • At an official state dinner in his honor marking Fred Mertz Day, a seated Kim could be seen periodically pushing himself up on his left side and holding the position for several seconds. Generals seated on either side appeared very distressed and ate little. During a particulary long speech by a party minister, Kim offered a finger to the general on his left who hesitated only briefly before pulling Kims' waggling digit.
  • Kim Jong-un was noticably absent from an important military parade in Pyongyang showcasing the latest generation North Korean medium range ballastic missiles. A South Korean Intelligence Services' analysis of Comcasts' Pyongyang program schedule revealed there was a two hour Storm Chasers special on the Weather Channel at the time of the parade. One old North Korea hand in the State Department speculated that Kim may have simply been waiting for local weather on the eights.
  • Late one morning last summer Kim Jong-un was out hosing off his driveway when a neighbor boys' errant baseball landed in his backyard. Kim mobilized the five million member Peoples Army, throwing the entire Korean penninsula into a state of high alert. He sprayed the eight year old, pocketed the ball and went back into the house.
  • An audio feed by a CIA drone in early spring recorded a verbal tirade by Kim Jong-un. He could be heard padding through the house, turning off lights in empty rooms and complaining about the electric bill. At one point, Kim could be heard to say, “who left the goddamn fridge door open. What are you trying to do, cool down the whole friggin' house?”
  • A group of generals attending a Peoples Liberation Counsel event in July, snickered at Kim Jong-un who arrived wearing peach colored seer-sucker trousers, velcro Freeport Walkers and a baggy, stained cardigan. Kim sentenced the generals to public humiliation at a downtown mall where they were forced wear lycra tri-athlete singlets.
  • A visiting Iranian delegation in early December reportedly suffered complications from over-heating. According to one flushed mullah, Kim kept the thermostat set at 88 degrees and insisted the Iranians use extra blankets.
  • Kim Jung-un kept a telemarketer on the line for over an hour one evening last May, talking about his upcoming colonoscopy and sharing his frustrations about worsening Pyongyang traffic. The telemarketer finally fainted from starvation but Kim went on talking for another twenty minutes, ordering a set of steak knives and a Tug Toner flexible barbell.

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