federal law, signed by the president on Tuesday, compels the Federal Aviation
Administration to allow drones to be used for all sorts of commercial endeavors
— from selling real estate and dusting crops, to monitoring oil spills and
wildlife, even shooting Hollywood films. Local police and emergency services
will also be freer to send up their own drones.
Like the Internet, drones started out as an important military
weapon. The Pentagon used them to stick
up tax payers and fly the stolen money to the luxurious mountain top hideaways
of private defense contractors and lobbyists.
When they wanted to let off a little steam they used drones to spy on
foreigners and kill them when they were up to no good. It turned out that drones were just as good
at killing bad U.S. citizens and it didn’t require due process. Just like that, the race to make drones
commercial was on. Drones could kill us
and sell us stuff, too; lethal like the Internet but just as fun and lucrative.
·The Peacock Developed by a consortium of fashion consultants
and retailers, no bigger than a leopard skin pill box hat, the video equipped
Peacock targets people guilty of making unwise apparel choices. Hovering two miles high, it texts fashion alerts
to its victims. Those pastel lycra pants make your ass look huge, you’re way too old to
be wearing that get up, buddy and pull
up your pants, Lumpy. The Peacock is
weaponized for really egregious violators.
·The Big Fat Goose Financed by the high
fructose corn syrup industry and McDonald’s this drone is capable of carrying a
payload of soft drinks and snack food.
Hovering above schools, it receives e-orders from young customers and
swoops down to make deliveries. The
steady rise in the number of for-profit schools means big windfalls for all the
players. This drone will beam junk food
ads to the smart phones of students equipped with school-issue credit
cards. For a nominal fee, the Goose will also send hourly reminders to
insulin dependent students to check blood sugar levels.
·The Stool Pigeon The biggest banks
on Wall Street got together to develop a surveillance drone to hover over
groups of Occupy Wall Street types and beam their images, electronically
altered to make them look brown, to the Department of Homeland Security. The Stool Pigeon can also put a fine point on
things by shitting on the heads of Occupiers about to be rounded up for
·The Bird of Pray The Vatican, Jerry
Falwell’s Liberty University and Rick Santorum teamed up on a drone that will
receive and answer prayer texts, deliver stern homilies and hover, in the form
of a burning pillar of fire, over those with un-confessed sin. One modal, the Crusader, targets non-Christians.
A humanist media wag dubbed it the homonymic Bird of Prey. Santorum was
livid until someone explained the meaning of homonym.
·The Peace Maker What do you get when you cross the NRA with
Facebook? This sleek baby, shaped like a
dum-dum bullet, remains in the air 24/7 to transmit the personal firearm data of
those around you to your smart phone. It
takes all the guess work out of figuring out who’s packing, firepower
capability and magazine capacity. It’s
never been easier to “Friend” a potential target or “Like” their Glock. Low on ammo?
Punch in your personal pin and special Stand Your Ground pre-empt code
and The Peace Maker will draw down on
any character you deem suspicious.
·The Dodo The American Petroleum Institute and
the Republican Party put their heads together and came up with a drone that
will fly low over coastal cities and broadcast upbeat messages like: “The water’s not rising, you’re just getting
shorter” or “Hot? You call this hot? This ain't so hot” and “Nothing to worry about. Just a little thunderstorm. This’ll blow over in no time”. The Dodo will also be deployed over dusty
western states to broadcast the sound of gurgling streams, babbling brooks and
cascading waterfalls. Equipped with an
acetylene torch, this drone is the perfect tool for clear cutting forests of unsightly