Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote Redux
BRIDGEWATER, N.J. — President Trump threatened on Tuesday to unleash “fire and fury” against North Korea if it endangered the United States, as tensions with the isolated and impoverished nuclear-armed state escalated into perhaps the most serious foreign policy challenge yet of his administration.
Undaunted, North Korea warned several hours later that it was considering a strike that would create “an enveloping fire” around Guam, the western Pacific island where the United States operates a critical Air Force base. In recent months, American strategic bombers from Guam’s Andersen Air Force Base have flown over the Korean Peninsula in a show of force.
President Trump, speaking from the rough along the 11th fairway at his New Jersey golf club, mispronounced Guam, rhyming it with spam. “I’ve got deals for first class hotels in Qatar and Manila. Why would I care about a hellhole called Gam? Speaking of gam’s, Ivanka has a terrific pair. I’m just saying.”
North Korea scoffed, suggesting that Lady Gaga alone had legs that could incite a glorious and fiery victory over the imperialist lackey dogs, adding they “wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating kimchi.”
Tensions mounting, President Trump, speaking in the club house between bites of very well done ribeye steak smothered in ketchup, said “I’ve got Mexican busboys smarter than North Korea, okay?”, adding, “Smoke on the water, a fire in the sky. That’s from the Book of Revelation. You can look it up.”
Within minutes North Korea retaliated with a link to a YouTube clip from “Godzilla vs. Hedorah”, stating “we will stomp on your low budget miniature cardboard buildings and breath hot monster fire on the false front of your capitalist roader skyline.”
White House spokeswoman Sarah Huckabee Sanders retorted that King Kong could “clean Godzilla’s clock any day”, adding that the giant gorilla is “a New Yorker from Queens with the brass to make it in Manhattan.” Huckabee Sanders criticized coverage of the President’s mispronunciation of Guam as “fake news”, and “very unfair” before stating that “by this time tomorrow, Pyongyang will look like a plate of blackened tilapia.”
Kim Jong-un set fire to an effigy of President Trump in Kim Il Sung Square in Pyongyang. The fifty foot tall sherbet colored paper mache figure featured a red forty-five foot long tie and was claimed by the North Korean defense minister to be topped with over five thousand cans of orange Silly String. Kim, putting a fine point on his provocation, fired a 155 mm artillery round into the melting crotch of the flaming effigy.
President Trump, speaking from the driving range at his New Jersey golf club, defended a caricature of Kim Jong-un emblazoned on every range ball. Critics complained the cartoon, a yellow figure with slanted eyes and buck teeth was racially insensitive and offensive to Asians worldwide. President Trump, slicing a ball onto the roof of the club house, said voters overwhelming chose him over “Crooked Hillary” because “they’ve had it up the wazoo with political correctness” and “very unfair” attacks on clean coal. Shouts of “lock her up” in accented English commenced, as if on cue, from a nearby caddy shack.
Interfax News Agency released a North Korean produced CGI enhanced video depicting 100 ICBM’S destroying Mar A Lago in a bright red and yellow mushroom cloud. An obese figure nude except for a long red tie flees the building, hair engulfed in flames, then jumps into the ocean creating a huge cloud of orange steam. An unnamed administration official who was in the situation room when the national security team viewed the video and didn’t want to be identified, said the President was “apoplectic” the North Koreans had left his genitalia unenhanced.
Hours later President Trump flew to West Virginia where he addressed the entire population of the state, bussed into Flat Top for the rally. The President talked about the “record numbers of people” at his inauguration, “off the charts, nothing like it in history”. He called for his predecessor, President Barack Obama, to “rot in Gitmo” and described Obama’s golf game as “amateur hour”, adding “everyone knows those people can’t play golf. Where’s Tiger? I’m just saying.” The President promised to “dig up every last lump of coal” in the state and “burn it on Al Gore’s front lawn”, then regaled a group of second graders in the front row with a ribald story about himself, Rob Goldstone and some “very fine tail” in St. Petersburg during the Miss Universe pageant in 2013. As the entire state chanted “MAGA”, Trump turned his attention to North Korea. “I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end. It’s from the Book of Revelation. Terrific book, real page turner.” He then unveiled a large wooden crate marked Acme Dynamite with a huge inflatable Kim Jong-un tethered on top. Trump struck a match to what many assumed was a prop fuse leading back to the crate. Witnesses said a large explosion obliterated the stage and left a thirty foot crater. The Presidents hair was recovered floating in a hog wallow near Beckley. A forensics team is working to identify molecular remains. There were unconfirmed reports that Mitch McConnell had been seen loitering backstage shortly before the accident.
Vice President Mike Pence, who appeared to be suppressing a smile, offered his condolences to the Trump family, exchanging fist bumps with Melania Trump before taking the oath of office. Kim Jong-un sent his regards along with a cryptic “beep beep”.