News item

Mr. Romney has been under attack for 48 hours over his role at Bain Capital, the investment firm he helped found. Gov. Rick Perry of Texas equated firms like Bain to “vultures,” and Newt Gingrich demanded answers from Mr. Romney about how many jobs were lost on his watch.

New York Times, January 10, 2012

President Bashar al-Assad had harsh words today for North Korea’s new leader, Kim Jong-un, calling him a “big fat bully”.  Assad made a tearful plea for free and democratic elections in North Korea.   Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin added “ditto.” 

Mickey Mouse was the target of a withering attack last evening leveled by Mighty Mouse, Jerry, Speedy Gonzalez and Danger Mouse.  The four appeared on MSNBC.  They accused the popular Disney personality of eating cheese, possessing twitchy whiskers and behaving in a furtive, rodent-like manner. 

MLB’s National League went on the offensive against the American League.  The NL is flabbergasted over the AL’s slavish insistence on playing nine inning games, saying “they should be ashamed of themselves”.  The NL went on to condemn the AL’s reliance on stats, linear base paths and playing organ music during games. 

An indignant and drunken NBC railed loudly about “the crap that passes for good television” on the other two networks.  NBC’s tirade was captured on video and has gone viral.  The disheveled network can be seen gripping the bar for balance and sloshing drinks on other patrons while hurling vile invective at CBS and ABC.   “Reality shows, my ass!  They want reality?  Here’s reality”, NBC screamed at the TV above the bar, then vomited on a woman seated on the next stool.  PBS, who had been drinking quietly in the corner, offered her his coat and the two left together. 

The National Mining Association held a press conference on a leveled mountain top in West Virginia to condemn the American Gas Association’s support of hydraulic fracturing.  Under a big Clean Coal banner, a spokesman for the NMA presented scientific evidence suggesting the practice known as fracking poisons ground water, exposes local populations to high levels of toxins and contributes to global warming.  A spokesman for the Keystone XL pipeline, commenting later, accused the NMA of environmental terrorism and characterized them as “tree huggers and pansy-ass liberal elites.”

Coke declared war on Pepsi Thursday.  “They must be stopped”, said a Coke representative.  He cited skyrocketing rates of childhood obesity, diabetes and tooth decay as “our national shame.”  He compared Pepsico to a drug cartel pushing high fructose corn syrup and caffeine to the nation’s youth.  “Go into any mom and pop corner store”, said the Coke man, “it’s in vending machines, Grandmothers serve it, for God’s sake.”  He called on Pepsi to divulge it’s secret ingredients and urged the multinational to shift its business to free tap water and hand squeezed apricot juice. 

Iowa Caucus Update

Iowa, The Eleventh Hour

Let’s look in on the Republican Presidential Candidates on the eve of the Iowa Caucus:   

John Huntsman is spotted coming out of a synagogue.  Confronted, he confesses the whole Mormon thing was a campaign ploy to capitalize on the surge of popularity now enjoyed by the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints.  

In one twenty-four hour period, Michelle Bachman compares herself to Margaret Thatcher, Madame Mao, Emelda Marcos and Attila the Hun’s sister.   Hun family descendants sue for defamation.  

Herman Cain is in Iowa City giving financial help and career counseling to young, soon to be unemployed, female Bachman campaign staffers.  

Newt Gingrich’s head explodes after he walks into a Davenport hall of mirrors.  Police rule the death suspicious.  A bill posted outside the door advertises the unveiling of a twelve foot bronze statue of the former Speaker as Michelangelo’s  David.  Witnesses report an awkward white man with incredible hair fleeing the scene carrying a bucket and brush.  

Rick Santorum promises to attack Iran on Inauguration  Day, rain fire on Sodom and Gomorrah and slay the Malachites and all their horses and all their asses and all their chariots.  He is held for observation in a Des Moines hospital. 

To relieve the stress of the campaign, Mitt Romney unwinds with a leveraged purchase of an Iowa City plumbing supply house, fires the employees, sells off the assets and pockets a tidy profit.  Then he goes to a matinee showing of Chipwrecked, insists on a senior discount.  

Governor Rick Perry rides into Ottumwa, liquored up, guns blazing, looking for the “No good Mexican varmint what messed with my sister.”   Perry, fumbling with his Peace Maker, shoots himself through the head but appears unhurt, cites Divine intervention.  Say’s later, “I guess the Good Lord set my shootin’ hand all to shakin’ and such.”   

Ron Paul appears in a Muscatine convenience store dressed as Ayn Rand and badgers customers about a Federal plot to pay space aliens with hoarded gold to clone bankers who would release an army of African . . .