Fox News: We're pleased to have as our guest tonight a Job Creator. Praised by Republican luminaries such as Eric Cantor, Mitch McConnell and Mitt Romney. Reviled by Democrats like Barrack Hussein Obama and his cabal of socialist fellow travelers. This Job Creator has taken time out of his busy week to explain, in a straightforward, plain-spoken manner why he is the most important man in America next to Ronald Reagan and Christ, our Lord and Savior.
Job Creator: Thanks. Good to be here.
FN: How was the trip up?
JC: Great. How can you complain about a Booz Allen Hamilton corporate jet? The drinks were a little watery, but. . . meh.
FN: You must be very busy, trying to rescue the economy from the failed economic policies of this disgraced administration and a President, I might add, mired in Kenyan anti-colonialism.
JC: Well, actually, no. When your producer called I was watching season three of Entourage on DVD. I've never felt better. I'm thinking of taking a ceramics class.
FN: Surely you've been working long hours, trying to cut through knots of regulatory red tape, navigate oceans of uncertain tax policies. Right?
JC: Nah. I mean, yea, the regulations are a bitch. I haven't paid taxes in. . . let's see. It's been awhile.
FN: Let's talk about jobs. Your hands are tied. If it weren't for all the terrible, terrible uncertainty, you would be creating thousands of jobs, right?
JC: Actually, no. Too expensive. I mean, you've gotta pay 'em. Employee parking lots, bathrooms, surveillance systems. It really adds up. I'm sitting on a mountain of cash. Why spend it?
FN: The socialist liberal media would have us believe that unregulated banking and financial practices led to the Great Recession. A blatant lie, of course, when we know it was caused by Federal meddling in the free market and profligate governmental spending. Can you comment?
JC: We're on strike. As bad as unions used to be, the idea of striking for your fair share is ingenious. The best part is we don't have to walk in circles in the rain carrying stupid signs. Profits climb, we invest offshore and wait things out. Like Atlas Shrugged. Personally, I've never cracked it, but I gleaned the high points from listening to House Republican's quote it on the floor.
FN: A job action! How counter-intuitive, rebellious, a daring Gingrichian ploy!
JC: In the old days, the governor called out the National Guard when unions went on strike. Heads got busted. Not pretty. But we're golden. Both parties are falling over each other for a photo op with a Job Creator.
FN: What are your demands?
JC: Only what's coming to us. A level playing field, you know, low wages. Shift benefit costs to the employee, that's huge, that whole 'empowerment' thing (winks). An end to government regulation and taxes. Privatization of the public sector, send those Federal dollars our way. Snuff out the trial lawyers, that's a big one. Shift financial risk to the Feds, etc. It's a short list, but once we get what we want, we'll create more jobs than Carter has pills. Good American jobs (winks again)! So many jobs, people can have three or four at a time.
FN: We here at the network salute you, sir, as you fight the good fight. Godspeed!
JC: Solidarity forever.