Tuesday, January 24, 2012

How To Dress A Chicken

How To Dress A Chicken

No, this is no joke, so go on, get it
out of your system so we can get down
to the business at hand, that of dressing

a chicken.  You bet I’ve heard them all and
then some, the one about not making the
mistake of dressing your bird in plaids and

stripes or allowing them to wear white shoes
before Memorial Day.  If I had
a dime for every time some wag has warned

me of the pitfalls of taking inseam
measurements from a red Araucana
I could get out of the business, maybe

open a chic café on some quiet
side street, small plates, espresso, pigs-in-a-
blanket the house specialty, attract the

lunch trade, have my evenings free instead of
fending off smart alecks asking whether
my Barnevelder wears boxers or briefs,

or speculating with winking, wide-eyed
innocence on the mechanics of how
a Cubalaya would manage to tie

a Windsor knot and smoke a cigar at
the same time, knowing good and well chickens
have neither hands for performing such a

complicated maneuver or teeth for
clenching a fat Havana.  No, I’m done
with the whole business, I’m hanging up

my spurs, flying the coop, over chickens,
clucking hecklers, the whole nine yards.  Never
again will I stand by patiently while

some jerk lewdly mimes the delicate dance  
of a Jersey Giant hiking up her
little black dress to lay one perfect egg.

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