Iowa, The Eleventh Hour
Let’s look in on the Republican Presidential Candidates on the eve of the Iowa Caucus:
John Huntsman is spotted coming out of a synagogue. Confronted, he confesses the whole Mormon thing was a campaign ploy to capitalize on the surge of popularity now enjoyed by the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints.
In one twenty-four hour period, Michelle Bachman compares herself to Margaret Thatcher, Madame Mao, Emelda Marcos and Attila the Hun’s sister. Hun family descendants sue for defamation.
Herman Cain is in Iowa City giving financial help and career counseling to young, soon to be unemployed, female Bachman campaign staffers.
Newt Gingrich’s head explodes after he walks into a Davenport hall of mirrors. Police rule the death suspicious. A bill posted outside the door advertises the unveiling of a twelve foot bronze statue of the former Speaker as Michelangelo’s David. Witnesses report an awkward white man with incredible hair fleeing the scene carrying a bucket and brush.
Rick Santorum promises to attack Iran on Inauguration Day, rain fire on Sodom and Gomorrah and slay the Malachites and all their horses and all their asses and all their chariots. He is held for observation in a Des Moines hospital.
To relieve the stress of the campaign, Mitt Romney unwinds with a leveraged purchase of an Iowa City plumbing supply house, fires the employees, sells off the assets and pockets a tidy profit. Then he goes to a matinee showing of Chipwrecked, insists on a senior discount.
Governor Rick Perry rides into Ottumwa, liquored up, guns blazing, looking for the “No good Mexican varmint what messed with my sister.” Perry, fumbling with his Peace Maker, shoots himself through the head but appears unhurt, cites Divine intervention. Say’s later, “I guess the Good Lord set my shootin’ hand all to shakin’ and such.”
Ron Paul appears in a Muscatine convenience store dressed as Ayn Rand and badgers customers about a Federal plot to pay space aliens with hoarded gold to clone bankers who would release an army of African . . .