This has been a long, tough race. We gave it everything we had, but sadly, it just wasn’t enough. With heart heavy and broken I concede defeat. Before I leave the stage, however, I have some people to thank. Without them, the outcome of this contest would have never been in doubt
The Independent Voter. An otherwise sentient, intelligent fellow, the GOP managed to convince just enough of you that throwing in with wealthy, white, corporate America was in your best interest. Tomorrow you’ll awaken to Christmas morning, anticipating presents. A secure job with good pay and benefits could be wrapped with a bow, waiting just for you beneath the tree. There may be a bit of a wait, however. You’ll be in line behind lots of people with better connections than you who spent a great deal of money to buy a government custom tailored just for them. Their desires and yours do not necessarily converge. In the end you’ll take what they give you and be grateful for it.
The Incumbent. The publishing industry is poised to ride a prosperous wave of books well into the future, about your historic Presidency and the 2012 campaign. Scholarly and not so scholarly books that will examine your motivations, psyche, decisions, personal demons, advisors, childhood, family, health, astrological chart, anything and everything that could help to explain the loss of such promise. I think I’ll just wait for the movie, Mr. President.
Grover Norquist. Nork-man! You just may pull it off after all, you sly, old fox. Starving the beast, I mean. Everyone will be walking around flush with all the cash they didn’t pay in taxes. Good thing. They’ll need every penny to pay market price to private companies for things like medical care, emergency and protective services, rainy day stuff like job loss, catastrophic injury due to accidents or medical malpractice, education, infrastructure, safe food, water and medicine and care in their old age. Any remaining tax revenue, of course, will continue to funnel to military contractors, the fossil fuel industry and bankers in need of bailouts. You, of all people, know the true meaning of an ownership society.
God. You may not be aware, but your name gets invoked regularly by your more rabid followers. What they couldn’t achieve honestly in the open market of public opinion will be legislated and adjudicated by elected officials and their appointees in gratitude for their long-time support. Already absolutely certain, a win will render them insufferable. Didn’t this come up when you and the Founding Fathers met in Philly?
Progressives and Women. It was cold on election day. It rained. You were disillusioned. ‘08 was different, hopeful and pregnant with change. He wasn’t a Bush or a Clinton. The challenger moderated his stance on contraception. Hey, look at it this way. A generation or two from now, decades of right-wing rule may foster a nascent opposition with real conviction and a sense of moral authority.
Ayn Rand. The pin-up gal for the I-Got-Mine set, that speed-popping, atheistic, lunatic. All those long, lonely Wisconsin nights a young, impressionable future Vice President-elect spent reading your stirring tales beneath the blanket with a flashlight were not for naught. We salute those at the top, each and every man a John Galt! We’re sorry if we’ve offended you in any way, O' masters of the universe, O' lords of job creation, O' risk-taking rock stars.
Post-Racial America. You elected the first black president because, hey, black culture is pretty hip up to a point and the white guy before him was such a train wreck. We can all sleep easier knowing race had absolutely nothing to do with the level of animosity fueling the revitalization of the GOP and the Tea Party in particular.
Well, I think I’ve remembered to thank everyone except my wife, parents and the unsung guys protecting this great country from the scourge of voter fraud.