Friday, December 21, 2012

Lock and Load 2.0

The National Rifle Association broke its silence on the massacre with what it called an “important statement from the National Rifle Association,” saying that the organization, which has steadfastly fought almost any federal or state gun control legislation, was potentially reconsidering its position.
“The N.R.A. is prepared to offer meaningful contributions to make sure this never happens again,” the statement said. It did not offer details.

New York Times, December 18, 2012

Certainly worth the wait, here are the N.R.A. contributions to national efforts to stem gun violence.  Be sure to Like on N.R.A. Facebook page.

·        A partnership with Lord’s Resistance Army chief Joseph Kony to conjure magical spells that allow bullets to pass harmlessly though the bodies of LRA child soldiers.  “It’s worth a try and obviously he’s doing the Lord’s work.  Ought to poll good for the holidays”, said an N.R.A. spokesman.
·        A new line of N.R.A. logo hunter orange wear for children and adults.  “Hold Your Fire fashions look great while making you less of a target,” said an N.R.A. spokeswoman, wearing a fetching camisole and garters made from shell casings and the recycled socks of Republican House members.  Sold exclusively at Target.
·        Make crazy people wear thick Poindexter glasses to reduce visual acuity.  Possible product tie-in with Coke Classic in green glass bottles.
·        Gatling guns in every school.  Disguise them as lions, tigers and bears and adopt as school mascots.
·        Bring back running boards on cars.  Gangsters firing Tommy guns from outside cars are easier to hit. 
·        Redesign schools to look like barns.  Everyone knows the old adage about the difficulty of hitting their broad sides. 
·        New mandatory university seating arrangements modeled on the 18th century military tactic of massed broadsides.  All incoming freshmen will be armed with black powder rifles.  Students with Arabic surnames will be issued wet powder. 
·        Institute mandatory work place morning prayer beseeching God to allow you to live another day or at least take one in the shoulder.  Employers not liable for missed work days due to gunshot under the Act of God clause.
·        People kill people so outlaw people.  We suggest the President, liberals, progressives, humanists and Nuns On The Bus for starters.  Visit the N.R.A. website and cast your own vote from a list compiled by a committee of Republican Congressmen, Baptist theologians and Ted Nugent.   

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