HOUSTON — Less than four years after
President Obama swept into the White House with the overwhelming support of
black voters, Mitt Romney appeared on Wednesday before the National Association
for the Advancement of Colored People with a bold claim: “If you want a
president who will make things better in the African-American community, you
are looking at him,” Mr. Romney said.
His assertion was met with cackles
and boos — as well as some tepid applause — and was emblematic of his entire
speech, in which he tried to appeal to African-Americans, while still offering
some tough medicine and policy prescriptions unpopular with them.
New
York Times, July 12, 2012
PROVINCETOWN
- It was a steamy afternoon when Mitt
Romney stepped up to the podium here at the very tip of Cape Cod during the
annual Carnival Parade sponsored by GLAD (Gay, Lesbian, Advocates and
Defenders). The former Massachusetts governor
seemed to recoil from the large microphone hovering before him at nose level. The speaker ahead of him, Carnival Queen Crepe
Suzette, came to Romney’s rescue, dramatically adjusting the microphone to an
upturned angle inches from the presumptive candidates gaping mouth. The six foot, seven inch Suzette mimed
grabbing Romney’s posterior as she left the stage, drawing an appreciative roar
from the glittering crowd. Daye Lily, a
parade organizer seated just to Romney’s rear, remarked later “his butt cheeks
snapped shut like a rusty leg trap. You
could hear them clear over in Lake Winnipesaukee.” Romney seemed to rally, exhorting the crowd
to get behind him: “If you’re looking
for a good man, a man uniquely qualified for this nation’s top position, a man who
won’t gag on the deplorable radical socialist agenda of the majority in the Senate,
a man unafraid to wrestle this country’s economic problems into submission, you
are looking at him.”
Romney
seemed confused by the enthusiastic response from the crowd, grinning nervously,
large dark stains spreading out from the
sleeves of his blue blazer. Unblinking,
he appeared frozen in place as he joined the crowd in singing “Over The Rainbow”.
FLINT
– Dirty gray clouds hung low over this forlorn city, home to shuttered
manufacturing plants, darkened streets and a conspicuous absence of law
enforcement. A small crowd of the
homeless, robust looking rats and what appeared to be, at first glance, left-over
Halloween skeletons dressed in filthy rags gathered in front of the stage. Mitt Romney bounded up the stairs to the
rousing power chords of “Born Free”, his campaign anthem by fellow Michigander
Kid Rock. “Hello, Flint! Are you ready to rock?”
Romney’s
hale hearty query was met with silence save for the sound of a cold, greasy
wind blowing debris among the abandoned, burned-out buildings. The crowd edged closer to the stage, eyeing
Romney’s TAG-Heuer watch and Bontoni hand-made Italian shoes.
“I’m
here to talk about jobs!” The crowd
pressed in, oblivious to the small Secret Service detachment guarding the
stage.
“Good
jobs, lots of jobs. Why, jobs enough for
each of you to have five or six apiece.
That is, if you’re willing to work hard, sacrifice, wean yourselves off free
stuff from the government!”
The
crowd fell upon the agents and began eating them alive. Romney stuck to his prepared speech despite
their anguished screams. “I’m talking
jobs my friends, strangely familiar jobs, one’s you’d recognize right off the
bat, the kind of jobs they’ve got over in China and India!”
The
bloody crowd lurched onto the stage.
Romney ran in place for what seemed like minutes before his feet caught
purchase. He barely escaped by jumping
into a waiting Suburban that sped off down the deserted street.
ATTICA
– Sunlight glinted off the barrels of the fifty caliber machine guns that swiveled
in the guard towers surrounding the yard.
It was, decidedly, a strange place for a campaign rally, given inmates don’t
have the right to vote. But the Romney
team decided it was time for out-of-the-box thinking, aware of the impact a
large, televised captive audience could make, especially if the location was
misrepresented as Branson, Missouri. “Any
bankers or CEO’s in the house tonight?
Ha ha, just kidding, my friends.
This place is for real criminals, drug dealers and the like.”
The
crowd seethed. Sharp shooters sprayed a
volley of rounds into the dirt just in front of the stage. “Can’t wait to sample some of that good Branson barbecue I’ve heard so much
about”, Romney said, winking at a large, tattooed inmate in the front row. “My good friend Johnny Cash said it best when
he sang for the convicted prisoners at Folsum Prison, and I’m paraphrasing here
so bear with me: ‘I bet there are rich
folks eating in a fancy dining car, they are probably drinking coffee and
smoking fine cigars’. Wait a minute,
that’s not right. I meant the line ‘I
know I had it coming, I know I can’t be free’.
“
A riot
ensued and the warden declared a lockdown.
Romney boarded a helicopter, but not before imploring the inmates to
encourage their “poor, broken hearted mother’s and father’s, too, for those of
you who have one, assuming they don’t have any outstanding felonies and they
meet the myriad individual state requirements, to vote for me in November!”