““It’s all part of a very
well-conceived strategy to change the image of the Koch brothers as dark and
plotting oilmen ideologues,” Axelrod said.
Seitel, the public-relations expert, observed, “They’re waging a charm
offensive to reset the image of the Kochs from bogeymen shrouded in secrecy to
philanthropists who are supporting black colleges and indigent defense.””
Jane
Mayer, “New Koch”, The New Yorker, January 25, 2016
Charles Koch led the Howard University “Showtime”
Marching Band in a funk-infused rendition of James Browns “Say It Loud-I’m
Black and Proud”. Fans thrilled to
Koch’s call-and-response exhortation, “Federal regulation say what?”-“EPA is
jank!”
Low-income Detroit and Chicago residents living in
proximity to Koch Industry property used to store large quantities of pet coke,
a toxic bi-product of the oil refining process, received hand delivered,
adorable Build-A-Bear plush toys dressed as Ludwig von Mises, the 19th
century Austrian libertarian economist.
You Walk!, a Koch funded-initiative to reduce
penalties for non-violent felony offenders is being lauded by the Koch
Institute for Judicial Reform.
Beneficiaries are automatically enrolled in a 2 day online course to
prepare them for new voting requirements for non-white collar ex-felons, an
exam modelled on the American Board of Surgery Qualifying, Certification and
Recertification Examination.
“Horizontal Fracking the Hundred Acre Wood”, by
Charles and David Koch, receives the Caldecott Medal for best picture
book. The coveted award was announced by
the American Library Association, recently acquired by Koch Industries. It’s a heart-warming retelling of the A.A.
Milne classic “House At Pooh Corner”.
Beloved characters Winnie the Pooh, Eeyore, Owl and Rabbit are reimagined
as beloved right wing and Libertarian icons Charles Krauthammer, Richard Mellon
Scaife, Robert Welch, Jr. and Ayn Rand.
Sleep Over With Chuck and Dave. The boys will randomly select a low income
household and surprise the struggling occupants by showing up with flannel camp
bags, a package of double-stuffed Oreos and signed copies of “The Way Forward:
Renewing the American Idea”, by Paul Ryan.
Chuck will huddle under the blankets with a flashlight and tell horror
stories about government overreach. Dave
will fart his rendition of “Money, Cash, Hoes”.
Charles Koch embarks on a short tour of small venues,
coffee shops and hobo villages, bringing his “Woody and Me” review to the
masses. Armed only with a guitar
inscribed with the slogan, “This Machine Thrills Fascists”, Charles will
perform an updated version of the Woody Guthrie song book. “This Land Is My Land”, “Heaping Dust Bowl Of
Pet Coke”, “Pastures of Plenty, Pipelines of Profit”, and “Do Re Mi Mine, All
Mine” top the set list.
Won’t you be my neighbor? That’s right, PBS is collaborating with FOX
and Koch Infotainment to resurrect “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood”. A cardigan wearing David Koch will preside
over a host of neighborhood characters that embody free-market values. Trolley, a coal burning locomotive will be on
hand to transport low-paid, at-will workers to dangerous jobs in unregulated
industries. King Friday XIII harangues
viewers with lectures on economics in the Chicago School style, extolling the
principals of Friedrich Hayak and Premier Li Keqiang of China. Queen Sara Saturday-Is-A-Workday, Too, leads
sing-a-longs based on inspirational passages from The Fountainhead. Daniel Striped Tiger, a self-described
Democratic Socialist, is on hand to be discredited for espousing single-payer
health care, collective bargaining and man-made climate change.
The Koch’s are trending on Snapchat with amazing
videos like “Bag O’ Puppies”, “Have Some Pie”, “Main Street Howdy Doo”,
“Beaucoup Boot Straps”, “Science Is Only A Theory”, “Governor Scott Walker: A
Song In My Heart, A Dream In My Pocket”, and “Got Lead?: Flint, Home of ‘Patriot’ Water”.
