President Rick Santorum’s First Day Diary
3:30 a.m. Marine callisthenics. 100 reps each of sit-ups, pull-ups, jumping jacks, push-ups, squat thrusts and head stands. Once again I defeat my animal urges. The battle between good and evil is never ending!
4:30 a.m. I am risen! Get out of bed. Kneel on bottle caps, pray.
5:00 a.m. Enter bathroom. Perform the necessary yet filthy morning ablutions. Wash hands repeatedly. Yea, the body is but a vile vessel!
5:02 a.m. Fleeting desire to go back to bed. Flayed self on White House roof. Remembered my piece of True Cross on which to bite down in exquisite pain.
7:00 a.m. Breakfast, the usual. Manna and locusts on plain uncooked oatmeal. Donned vest over coarse hair shirt.
7:03 a.m. Issued first orders. Purge White House of women. Suggested relocating them to shipping containers on the Mall. Changed name of White House to The Monastery. Instituted mandatory daily confession and public acts of contrition for all staffers. Exorcised Oval Office to rid of Democratic demons. Note: Clinton demons refused to leave. May require blood sacrifice. Where's Maureen Dowd when you need her? Declared OWS an offshoot of Al-Qaeda, legitimate drone targets.
8:00 a.m. Strangely attracted to Head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Flayed self on Monastery roof, allowed screams of ecstasy to ring out over Foggy Bottom. The heavens rejoiced!
8:30 a.m. Sent one page budget proposal to Congress eliminating Federal funding for any program or department not specifically mentioned in the Bible or Constitution. The Church will donate money to send all displaced Federal workers to spartan reeducation camps. They'll be trained as Wall Mart greeters.
9:00 a.m. Suspended Constitution until lunch. In interim, reduced Supreme Court to one member, Justice Thomas. Replaced Bill of Rights with Ten Commandments. Ordered Nancy Pelosi burned as witch. Smores, anyone? Instituted new alms program for special corporate intentions. Note: ask Mitt for advice on off-shore banking options. Instituted new Dominion Over the Earth program. Accepting bids on sale of all Federal lands. Ordered all Federal regulations symbolically burned on Monastery lawn. Nancy's coals still hot.
12:00 p.m. Fasting lunch. Keep finding reasons to walk by the office of my cute new White House Chief Council. Tightened spiked metal thigh cilice, swooned in ecstasy.
12:30 p.m. Postponed reinstituting Constitution. Declared war on the Caliphate. Asked Congress to fund new Crusade. Left loopholes to allow Crusaders wiggle room when they run into Jews, Buddhist's, French people, liberals, homosexual's, Mormon's and atheists on the way to Jerusalem. Appointed former Bush staffers to manage The Blue State Inquisition. Accepted bids for sale of broadcast rights and promotional products.
2:00 p.m. Stole a longing glance at the Vice President in Men's room. Flayed self on floor of Congress, live on C-Span.
3:00 p.m. Issued list of banned books.
3:15 p.m. My bad! Much easier to issue list of approved books. The Bible, Atlas Shrugged, The Fountainhead, Readers Digest and the Left Behind series. Consider TV Guide.
5:00 p.m. Sent Congress The Adam’s Rib Bill for their immediate approval. Prepared for expected backlash from radical women’s lib types. Schedule televised address, told them in no uncertain terms to get back in the kitchen. I expect dinner on the table by 5:30 from now on.
5:30 p.m. Dinner. Salisbury steak. Not bad, a bit dry.
6:00 p.m. Evening devotions, silent prayer, ruminated on annihilating all nations beginning with the letter “I”. Yes, especially Ireland! They’ve really been giving the Church a what-for on this alleged child abuse thing. Iceland, too. I hate Bjork's latest.
7:00 p.m. Wild, impure thoughts about John Boehner. He's so divine, like a juicy Sunkist orange! Flayed self in Lincoln Bedroom. Removed vest. Donned coarse hair pajamas. Turned in for the night. Slept the sleep of the Righteous. Tomorrow’s going to be a wickedly busy day!