Presidential Inauguration Celebration Sneak Preview
President Elect Donald J. Trump will be sworn in as the 45th President of the United States on January 21, 2017. Here is a preview of what should be prove to be an historic event in our nation’s history.
The all-white, hopeless blue collar worker cast of "Remember Us?" will perform one show for the Democratic National Committee.
Miss Supply Side Economics 2017 will be chosen in the first beauty pageant ever held in the White House. The President himself will select the winner and runners up. “Great tits, a tight ass, and abiding faith in trickle-down theory” tweeted President Elect Trump.
Black and Hispanic Trump supporters will be given key positions in the Trump administration. “We have many openings at Trump properties world-wide”, said a spokesman. Grounds keeping, kitchen help, maintenance and housekeeping are just a few of the departments available to his loyal supporters of color. Easter European immigrants on temporary visas will supplement any short-fall in the relatively small pool of candidates.
Children won’t be left out at the inaugural. Do As I Say, Not As I Do, a puppet show hosted by Barron Trump will help young children process unfair and confusing messages about President Elect Trump propagated by the Liberal Media and terrified parents.
Dr. Ben Carson will play former president Barack Obama in a special episode of Celebrity Apprentice. Dr. Carson’s only line will be “Yes’m Massa”, when President Trump delivers his signature “You’re fired!” line.
President Elect Trump, in a magnanimous gesture, will throw a “No Hard Feelings” black tie gala for all of his detractors in the Republican National Committee. Gala attendees will board a black, unmarked Lockheed C-5 Galaxy to whisk them away to a very special Caribbean destination. Mitt Romney, Jeff Flake, the Bush clan and all the rest will shed formal wear and don festive orange jumpsuits after de-lousing.
Hillary Clinton will be arrested and paraded in shackles down Main Street in every dying rust belt city from Wisconsin to Ohio to allow Trump supporters to blow off steam and distract them from Trump’s lobbyist dictated cabinet picks. Trump Signature Eggs will be for sale.
Video footage from the 2016 Special Olympics will be looped in the East Room to provide easy laughs for The Donald whenever totally unfair anti-Trump protests make him sad.
Anthony Senecal, Trumps personal butler at Mar A Lago, famous for suggesting Barack Obama should be killed, will play God in a one-man performance piece for white evangelical Trump voters. God will reflect on creating The New Messiah and validate the beliefs of the faithful that Trump’s election was a divinely inspired scheme to get rid of the queers once and for all.
After stiffing the businesses providing food, beverages, and entertainment for the gala, White House furnishings will be sold at auction and the building will be flipped before its value plummets along with President Trump’s poll numbers.
Trumps female accusers, women who came forward during the campaign with tales of past sexual assault, will be forced to serve drinks wearing Playboy Bunny costumes to Trump advisors. Corey Lewandowski will pummel those deemed not sufficiently deferential.
Negro lawn jockeys will top the big, beautiful new wall that will go up around Trump Tower, the new executive residence. Actual Negros dressed as jockeys will sing and dance for the President at the Inaugural Gala.
The Bible will be replaced by contemporary literature during Trumps swearing-in. Justice John Roberts will draw from titles such as Trump: The Art of the Deal, Trump: How To Get Rich, Donald Trump: Think Like A Champion, Atlas Shrugged, The Fountain Head, The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, Mein Kampf, and a heavily redacted copy of the United States Tax Code.
Rudy Guiliani and the voices in his head will conduct a seminar Marshall Law: Follow The Rules And You Won’t Have Anything To Worry About.
In an unexpected nod to gun control advocates, Trump will unveil a plan to take away the guns of soon to be disillusioned supporters who realize they’ve been duped. “We’ll give ‘em back when a Muslim gets elected. As if!”, tweeted Trump.
Khizer and Ghazala Khan will be given a going away gift, a case of Trump Signature Pork Chops before being whisked away on a black Lockheed C-5 Galaxy to “wherever the hell they came from”, tweeted Trump.
The White House Press Corp will be lined up and summarily shot at sunrise on Inauguration Day. Loved ones will be billed for bullets.
The GOP will erect a Big White Tent of Inclusion on the Mall. Don’t miss it. Demographics suggest it will be a temporary structure.
Enjoy the Big Day!