News item

Mr. Romney has been under attack for 48 hours over his role at Bain Capital, the investment firm he helped found. Gov. Rick Perry of Texas equated firms like Bain to “vultures,” and Newt Gingrich demanded answers from Mr. Romney about how many jobs were lost on his watch.

New York Times, January 10, 2012

President Bashar al-Assad had harsh words today for North Korea’s new leader, Kim Jong-un, calling him a “big fat bully”.  Assad made a tearful plea for free and democratic elections in North Korea.   Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin added “ditto.” 

Mickey Mouse was the target of a withering attack last evening leveled by Mighty Mouse, Jerry, Speedy Gonzalez and Danger Mouse.  The four appeared on MSNBC.  They accused the popular Disney personality of eating cheese, possessing twitchy whiskers and behaving in a furtive, rodent-like manner. 

MLB’s National League went on the offensive against the American League.  The NL is flabbergasted over the AL’s slavish insistence on playing nine inning games, saying “they should be ashamed of themselves”.  The NL went on to condemn the AL’s reliance on stats, linear base paths and playing organ music during games. 

An indignant and drunken NBC railed loudly about “the crap that passes for good television” on the other two networks.  NBC’s tirade was captured on video and has gone viral.  The disheveled network can be seen gripping the bar for balance and sloshing drinks on other patrons while hurling vile invective at CBS and ABC.   “Reality shows, my ass!  They want reality?  Here’s reality”, NBC screamed at the TV above the bar, then vomited on a woman seated on the next stool.  PBS, who had been drinking quietly in the corner, offered her his coat and the two left together. 

The National Mining Association held a press conference on a leveled mountain top in West Virginia to condemn the American Gas Association’s support of hydraulic fracturing.  Under a big Clean Coal banner, a spokesman for the NMA presented scientific evidence suggesting the practice known as fracking poisons ground water, exposes local populations to high levels of toxins and contributes to global warming.  A spokesman for the Keystone XL pipeline, commenting later, accused the NMA of environmental terrorism and characterized them as “tree huggers and pansy-ass liberal elites.”

Coke declared war on Pepsi Thursday.  “They must be stopped”, said a Coke representative.  He cited skyrocketing rates of childhood obesity, diabetes and tooth decay as “our national shame.”  He compared Pepsico to a drug cartel pushing high fructose corn syrup and caffeine to the nation’s youth.  “Go into any mom and pop corner store”, said the Coke man, “it’s in vending machines, Grandmothers serve it, for God’s sake.”  He called on Pepsi to divulge it’s secret ingredients and urged the multinational to shift its business to free tap water and hand squeezed apricot juice.