Cheney's Heart

It was the first time he was offered a transplant in the 20 months he had been on the waiting list, and Dick Cheney, the former vice president, decided to take it, his principal cardiologist said in a telephone interview Sunday, the day after the successful seven-hour operation.

New York Times, March 27, 2012

What, exactly, happened to the old one?

§  Vladimir Putin received the heart in exchange for consulting with Cheney on circumventing national presidential election laws and consolidating power.   

§  James Cameron carried the heart seven miles to the bottom of the Mariana Trench in a special submarine where he jettisoned the organ into the harsh environment for scientific research purposes.  Almost immediately millions of gigantic bottom dwelling sea slugs with death ray eye stalks bowed in allegiance to the heart and moved off behind it in the direction of Hawaii. 

§  In a surprise move, Lloyd C. Blankfien of Goldman Sachs, was replaced by Cheney’s heart as Chairman and Chief Executive Officer.  Blankfien had come under criticism recently for displaying a glimmer of humanity. 

§  The National Baseball League is expected to rule soon on whether or not to ban substances containing molecules of Cheney’s heart.  The National Football League, in contrast, mandates linebackers receive injections on game days in a bid to increase television viewership with a more aggressive playing style. 

§  North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jung-un announced the successful test of an intercontinental ballistic missile designed to carry a payload of enriched slices of Cheney’s heart.  The world’s nations immediately bowed to his demands for a case of 25 year old Macallen scotch and a Facebook friend request from Sigourney Weaver. 

§  Cheney’s heart retired to a gated community in Florida where it joined the local neighborhood watch organization. 

§  Cheney’s heart signed a six-figure deal with the Fox network for a reality television show called “Four Chambers Plus An Over And Under”.  Each episode will feature a B-list celebrity who will be “accidently” shot while accompany the heart on a hunting trip.  Viewers can interact directly using a mobile app to select shell load and location of wound. 

§  The Obama administration decision to authorize enhanced interrogation techniques subjecting detainee’s to Cheney’s heart was condemned by the United Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights.  A UN spokesman urged a return to more humane techniques such as waterboarding and the severing of limbs. 

§  Nevadan’s living near the Yucca Mountain Nuclear Waste Repository protested a decision to store Cheney’s heart in a lead lined cask at the facility, chanting “Hell No, Give Us The Plutonium Instead!” 

§  Under heavy guard en-route to Yucca Mountain, Cheney’s heart managed to slip away and elude capture.  It is thought to be living in a series of Tea Party safe houses funded by the Koch Brothers.  Citizens are cautioned to be on the lookout for the renegade organ, possibly disguised as a rage-fueled elderly white man. 

§  In a cost cutting move, the Federal school lunch program replaced the filler known as pink slime with pureed Cheney’s heart.  School officials reported an immediate increase in bullying, torture, preemptive attacks, duplicity, verbal and physical threats and playground drilling operations.  A USDA official, asked for comment during his lunch, replied “You can go fuck yourself.”