No Apology Needed

But Mr. Romney came under withering criticism for distorting the chain of events overseas and appearing to seek political advantage from an attack that claimed American lives. A statement he personally approved characterized an appeal for religious tolerance issued by the American Embassy in Cairo as sympathy for the attackers even though the violence did not occur until hours after the embassy statement. Mr. Romney on Wednesday said the embassy statement, which was disavowed by the administration, was “akin to apology, and I think was a severe miscalculation.”

New York Times, September 13, 2012

Governor Romney defended his statement to a reporter at a campaign event in Jacksonville, quoting a line from a 1971 film starring Ryan O’Neal and Ali McGraw.  “You know at the end of Love Story, when Oliver Barrett IV is paying tearful tribute to Jennifer Cavilleri?  And he says ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry’?  Know what?  He was right, fella.  I love America and as President, gosh darn it, I’ll never, ever say I’m sorry or apologize for anything.”  

In an impromptu and sometimes rambling speech, Romney went on to give examples of situations in which he would offer no apology.  

Domestic relations:  “Ann’s always harping at me to put the seat down when I’m done doing my business.  I’ve been a businessman all my life.  I think I know a little something about input and output, about the importance of keeping a firm grip on the old tiller.  Ladies, you need to look before you sit, it’s just that simple.  You don’t need a big government program to do it for you.  Yeah, so someone left the seat up, so what?  You want to be able to say, ‘I’m woman, hear me roar. I did that.  I put that seat down.’ ”

Mormon Doctrine:  “From 1848 to 1978, black people couldn’t be priests or take part in ceremonies in the Mormon Temple.  This was perfectly reasonable and rational at the time based on our understanding of scripture.  Blacks, unfortunately, carry the Curse of Ham so naturally we couldn’t just let them go traipsing around like curse-free white people.  Then in 1978 poof, gone!  The ban was lifted, story over.   Turns out it was just a silly typo in Joseph Smith’s original transcription.”

History:  “After Pearl Harbor Japanese-Americans on the West Coast were really worried for their personal safety.  Folks, let me tell you something.  Americans are the world’s greatest humanitarians.  We put those poor, unfortunate citizens in protective custody.  It was a little like the Italian witness protection program with sushi instead of meatball sandwiches.  Those lucky people rode out the war in comfort with plenty of fresh air, picturesque mountain views, safe from sunami’s and anime.  Apologize for what?  Sending people on a long vacation out west on the government’s dime?”  

Medicine:  “How about the Tuskegee Syphilis Study?  A bunch of poor, illiterate black sharecroppers thought they were getting free government funded health care for life.  Turns out, the U.S. Public Health Service was conducting a secret experiment to study the effects of untreated syphilis over decades.  My friends, this is exactly why I will end Obamacare on my first day in office.  This kind of thing would never happen in the private sector where market forces can always be relied on to keep our citizens safe and healthy while turning a profit for the rest of us risk takers.”

Infamous “corporations are people” comment:  “Corporations are people, my friend.  End of story.  Mothers, you may want to take the kids outside for this next part.  Corporations are fully developed people right from the moment of conception.  Sperm, what I like to call capital impregnates the egg or the means of production deep within the womb, known as unfettered markets.  The embryo grows bigger every day, eventually growing a little penis in place of gills and a tail.  The government tries its best to end the pregnancy but God in the form of the Supreme Court intervenes.  The baby is born and grows to be a man, a straight one I might add.  Later, if the man gets sick, medical specialists from Bain Capital prescribe proven treatments like bleeding and trepanning.  Apologize?  For what, preserving a life?  For being fairly compensated for performing a medical miracle?  Never.”